Bonding Matters
In Conversations That Matter, a practice based on questioning and reflection, the subject of abandonment comes up often. My clients report a lack of early childhood bonding with primary caregivers. When questioned, similar characteristics persistently show up. Some common symptoms related to abandonment include: a lack of trust, a growing uncertainty regarding self-identification, an increasing need to garner attention from caregivers, behaviors that attempt to please parents in order to avoid trouble, lying, excessive perfectionism, disruptive behavior such as acting out against authority, submissiveness, avoidance of confrontation, unsuccessful relationships, absence of many childhood memories, and self-harm.
Exploring abandonment and its partner, the absence of attunement, is tricky in many ways. It is especially hard to recognize that which has not occurred, but should have. Attunement can be understood as the “delivery system” of love. It is the way care-givers let their children know that they are seen and appreciated for who they are.
Well-intentioned parents often find themselves incapable of providing attention to the growing child in ways that assure the child that a safe haven is readily available when fear and uncertainty arrive. This can result from busy schedules, addiction, emotional instability, inattentiveness and physical absence. The bonding required by our brains for proper development usually occurs in the first days and months of life. When parents are stressed and distracted by their own lives, bonding – the neurological and chemical reaction that establishes a deep connections – may not take place properly. This absence is experienced vaguely by a growing sense of loss, or as many of my clients explain, a “hole” in the center of their hearts. This hole creates pain and restlessness. Something is missing that cannot easily be found, leading many children to define themselves as insufficient, unlovable or simply not “good enough” to meet the demands life increasingly makes on them. Research suggests that abandoned children, who often experience the trauma of not being “seen” as worthy individuals, have a higher risk of addictive behaviors. These unhealthy behaviors become ways to lessen pain, if only temporarily.
