Reactive or Reflective? That is the Question
Many of my clients have said, in one form or another, “I don’t know who I am.” They have reported a lot about their lives to me. Some have been married for a good number of years and can’t imagine how they managed to choose the mates they find themselves in bed with. Several admit that the initial attraction had something to do with familiarity. They felt as if they had known their partner for a long time when they first met. I ask if the qualities they detected reminded them of one of their parents. Interestingly, the response is often positive. Yes, indeed, they say, he is a lot like my father: same temper, drinks too much, is aloof, a workaholic, etc. It seems like an old pattern, driven by the familiar, offers some kind of solace, even if the parents’ behavior was unpleasant.
When our behavior is generated by old models, we are on auto-pilot. When we act in such a way, we are being “reactive.” We have no choice since automatic behavior results from a “knee-jerk” action rather than mindfulness. That is to say what we do, how we think, and who we choose to be with, may be controlled by this old model. In effect, we have surrendered control of our lives to those in the past who were the original templates for our lives.
The alternative to “reactive” behavior is “reflective” behavior. Reflection involves the conscious actions and decisions that are generated from our authentic selves. To help clarify the question of “Who am I?” we need to examine our values. What are they? Even if you’ve never asked this question before, you are likely to discover that there are certain ideas about life that you have long held in high esteem. For example, you may have a strong response to injustice. When you witness someone being treated unfairly you become angry or protective. You want to take action to correct the injustice. You experience strong feelings of empathy. You have discovered that combating unfairness or injustice is a value you hold dear. Every value leads to certain principles. The value of justice may lead to the principle that “everyone should be treated with equal dignity and given equal opportunities.” Some action should occur in your life that derives from that principle. This action is evidence of your value. This helps answer the question “Who am I?” We are, after all, our values. They define us as unique individuals. When we wonder if we are “authentic,” we need only look to see if our values are being expressed in the world. If they are not, we may question whether they are true values or merely aspirations.
Values lead to Principles lead to Actions
